Insecure Adventure

Dear George,

I hate the idea of being laughed at. I don't want to be judged the moment I leave the house. Even when I go for a jog, I try my hardest to wear clothes that won't provoke amusement. We all get judged on our appearance, it's a disaster if two people turn up to work in the same outfit, which must be a never ending nightmare if you were a police officer or fireman or undertaker. To this day I worry that I don't have much of a dress sense and I am secretly made to be the figure of jest at parties. I had this brought home to me the other day. I had taken a couple of bin bags of old clothes to the charity shop only to discover a week later all my clothes were up in the shop window with 'Guy Fawkes dummy attire' and 'dress a chimp for charity' adverts next to them.

It's a fickle world and in order not to be the centre of ridicule I have needed to adapt. But I can't be the only one, right? I can't be the only one pretending to know about football so I don't get left out of conversations in the pub? I've been doing it for so long now I'm quite fluent in bloke and can happily yak away about poor refereeing decisions, how there are too many foreign players and 'City's chances this year (which city, I have no idea).

Surely I can't be the only person in the world who is shit at things and is terrified about getting found out? Surely everybody is rubbish at something? I mean, I read that Michael Phelps can't unscrew a jar of pickled onions, Beyonce can't click her fingers, and that Elton John still can't tie his shoe laces. But that's ok, it doesn't stop us from looking at them that differently, but we will avoid doing anything that might make us look foolish, or is it only me?

I always feel like i'm the twat? Why is that? I know me, I know i'm not a twat! If I am a twat there must be other twats out there! The people who say “cheer up, it might never happen”, they're twats. The people who are above the age of 7 but still find it funny to tap you on the left shoulder when they are actually standing by your right shoulder, they're twats. The people who do nothing but preach on Facebook, they are massive twats. I was beginning to think it was a conspiracy; the world over everyone I would meet was secretly being given witty remarks, clever punchlines or feed some such information that would make me feel small and twaty, and them my superior in comparison. But then one day it hit me … i'd always wondered why my friends were constantly tapping away on their smart phones, it turned out they were being feed witty remarks, clever punchlines and reams and reams of information so as to always seem like they knew what they were talking about! It was a conspiracy! Half my friends down the pub had Alan Hanson on speed dial!

Now everywhere i looked I saw the evidence. My overly chatty barber, who seemed to know everything, had the ITN news team in the adjoining room transmitting all current affairs via a hearing device in his ear. The trendy sales assistants in Hollister actually have a Hollywood style hair and make-up department in the store room. Each employee has to spend 4 hours with a stylist before they're allowed to go on to the shop floor. And it turns out all Hipsters only dress and act the way they do because they are actually employed by Shoreditch council to up the property prices.

So there you are, i'd looked behind the curtain and it turns out we are all twats worried about looking like twats and other twats calling us twats. So lets just except that we're all rubbish at things and we'll instantly live more fulfilling lives. Thank you for reading this … you massive twat.

The weather remains chilly, it's 7*C outside, my train was 8 mins late today and a first class stamp will cost you 60p

Take care buddy,

Yours

Little Dave (Twat)