More Eel Adventures

Dear George,

Good evening good sir, i hope this letter finds you well.  The weather outside is wet and windy with temperatures around 5*C.  My train was 12mins late this morning and a first class stamp will cost you 60p.

Well as i'm sure you guessed from the title i'm about to unleash more correspondence i have received concerning the well being of eels.  Once again i am forced to remind everyone reading this that i am in now way an expert in the field of eel ailments and plead that these questions cease.  Just look at the questions i have been asked this week ...

Dear Little Dave,
Over the years I have become friends with a client of mine, "Doug." I live in Wisconsin; he lives in Florida. We are both happily married and share about family and work. We use instant messaging for work-related issues and to chitchat. We have typed "I love you" to each other at times -- but only if we're being sarcastic, joking around or saying thanks for some help.However, although my husband couldn't give a shit, my pet eel doesn't think you can't say "I love you" to a friend without having feelings or wanting more. I have never regarded Doug as anything but a friend, and he feels the same. Can I say "I love you" to a friend without it meaning something more? Or should I give my eel a damn good slap around its' slimy, pointed, eel face?Yours,J. Jennington, Ohio


Dear Dr Little Dave,
My 18-year-old son left for university over a month ago. While cleaning his room, I found 17 eels. I'm at a loss about how to handle this, figuratively and literally! I want to confront him because he knew the rules of the house (no drugs, no channel 5 and no anguilliformes!) and lied to me and broke them.
I do not want elongated fish in this house! I don't know what to do or say if he wants to come home for school breaks. I pray he is no longer breeding them, but I think I would just be lied to if I brought it up.Yours,Ian, Coventry

Dear Dr Dave MD,
When filling salt and pepper shakers that aren't marked, does the salt go into the one with the fewer holes on the top?Yours,Kev, Kineton

Dear Docky Wocky Davey,
My pet eel Patrick thinks if people are busy they should not answer the phone. I believe it's better to answer and tell the person you're busy and that you will return their call. Sometimes he doesn't call me back for nine hours or even the next day. Then I find out he was watching a movie or spell checking the Argos catalogue, and didn't think my call was "important" enough to respond promptly. As his owner, if I don't hear back, I start to worry, even though he's mature for his age.
When he calls me and I say I'm busy and will call him back, he gets mad and says I shouldn't have answered at all. Will you please tell us what you think?

Yours
Mr S.T. Douglas, Swindon

Christmas is coming and you can expect a lovely Christmas podcast!

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Insecure Adventure

Dear George,

I hate the idea of being laughed at. I don't want to be judged the moment I leave the house. Even when I go for a jog, I try my hardest to wear clothes that won't provoke amusement. We all get judged on our appearance, it's a disaster if two people turn up to work in the same outfit, which must be a never ending nightmare if you were a police officer or fireman or undertaker. To this day I worry that I don't have much of a dress sense and I am secretly made to be the figure of jest at parties. I had this brought home to me the other day. I had taken a couple of bin bags of old clothes to the charity shop only to discover a week later all my clothes were up in the shop window with 'Guy Fawkes dummy attire' and 'dress a chimp for charity' adverts next to them.

It's a fickle world and in order not to be the centre of ridicule I have needed to adapt. But I can't be the only one, right? I can't be the only one pretending to know about football so I don't get left out of conversations in the pub? I've been doing it for so long now I'm quite fluent in bloke and can happily yak away about poor refereeing decisions, how there are too many foreign players and 'City's chances this year (which city, I have no idea).

Surely I can't be the only person in the world who is shit at things and is terrified about getting found out? Surely everybody is rubbish at something? I mean, I read that Michael Phelps can't unscrew a jar of pickled onions, Beyonce can't click her fingers, and that Elton John still can't tie his shoe laces. But that's ok, it doesn't stop us from looking at them that differently, but we will avoid doing anything that might make us look foolish, or is it only me?

I always feel like i'm the twat? Why is that? I know me, I know i'm not a twat! If I am a twat there must be other twats out there! The people who say “cheer up, it might never happen”, they're twats. The people who are above the age of 7 but still find it funny to tap you on the left shoulder when they are actually standing by your right shoulder, they're twats. The people who do nothing but preach on Facebook, they are massive twats. I was beginning to think it was a conspiracy; the world over everyone I would meet was secretly being given witty remarks, clever punchlines or feed some such information that would make me feel small and twaty, and them my superior in comparison. But then one day it hit me … i'd always wondered why my friends were constantly tapping away on their smart phones, it turned out they were being feed witty remarks, clever punchlines and reams and reams of information so as to always seem like they knew what they were talking about! It was a conspiracy! Half my friends down the pub had Alan Hanson on speed dial!

Now everywhere i looked I saw the evidence. My overly chatty barber, who seemed to know everything, had the ITN news team in the adjoining room transmitting all current affairs via a hearing device in his ear. The trendy sales assistants in Hollister actually have a Hollywood style hair and make-up department in the store room. Each employee has to spend 4 hours with a stylist before they're allowed to go on to the shop floor. And it turns out all Hipsters only dress and act the way they do because they are actually employed by Shoreditch council to up the property prices.

So there you are, i'd looked behind the curtain and it turns out we are all twats worried about looking like twats and other twats calling us twats. So lets just except that we're all rubbish at things and we'll instantly live more fulfilling lives. Thank you for reading this … you massive twat.

The weather remains chilly, it's 7*C outside, my train was 8 mins late today and a first class stamp will cost you 60p

Take care buddy,

Yours

Little Dave (Twat)

Thoughtful football Adventure

Dear George,

I hope you are well.  Last night there was football on the telly, and as the room around me filled to capacity with over excitable blokes shouting at the screen, it got me thinking...

I know a lot of men fantasise about being like brilliant footballers but I've always fantasised about brilliant footballers being like me. I imagine a world where I can turn on 'Match of the Day' and see Wayne Rooney hold his hands up to protect his face and cower away from the ball as it gets kicked towards him, or watch Frank Lampard going for the ball and have the referee shout “don't pass to him, he's rubbish”, then Lampard starts to cry. Or every week Liverpool would try to get out of a match by pretending to have a sprained ankle. I think you'll agree this will be much more fun to watch.

The weather here is fine, trains are running on time, and a first class stamp is 60p.

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave

Back in the olden days Adventure

Dear George,

I hope you are well, my friend.  Having not yet left the house i can't tell you how the public transport system is behaving today, but i can tell you that yesterday my train was 2 minutes late getting me to work and then 6 minutes late getting me home.  It's 10*C outside and there isn't a cloud in the sky.  Over in the USA, President Obama is still the President after winning the election, and a first class stamp is 60p.

Last night i had a horrid dream where i looked upon my handsomely sculpted face in a mirror and was shocked to see i no longer had a full head of hair. I had a wrinkled old man face and a shiny bold head! was this a premonition of the future?  While thinking about this dream over breakfast it struck me how I'm becoming all to aware that I'm not a young man anymore, I remember back when I was a lad, when the Internet was in black and white, and only on for 3 hours a day. I remember how we'd all get dressed up into our Sunday best to log on to it. You could only order things like gas masks, psychedelic flares and spam from 'amazon' in those day, and when we were all done, we'd log off and stand to sing the national anthem. After that we'd gather around the piano and sing Destiny's child songs.

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave

Did someone say eels?

Dear George,

How are you this fine Sunday?  I'm terribly hungover today and haven't dared step outside but BBC weather reliably inform me that it's 6*C, and since i've not let my house today i have no news about the state of the trains either but since it's a Sunday it's a safe bet that rail replacement buses are the only option for those poor souls who had the audacity to want to go somewhere on their day off.  I can however tell you with complete confidence that a first class stamp will cost you 60p.

Although i am suffering from last nights decision to drink my body weight in alcohol, i thought i'd look through the old mail bag and low and behold it was nothing but questions about eels... for anyone new to this blog i should perhaps explain ... Owing to a misprint in an early blog entry, the impression may have been given that I was the owner of a pet shop in Coventry.  Furthermore, many people have been misled into believing that I am an expert on the ailments of eels.

I would like to publicly state that I have no connections with a pet shop in Coventry and, while I do have a common sense knowledge of eel illness, due to my modesty I’d never call myself an expert.  However, the correspondence has yet to cease.  Here are a select few of thousands of letter i have received this year.

Dear Dr Dave,

I live in Arizona where the temperature can hit 100 degrees and we get 300-plus days of sunshine every year. I always have my pet eel wear his sunglasses when he goes outside, and I get the most asinine comments from total strangers! Everything from "Can I have his autograph?" to "Does he think he's cool?" How can they be so dumb? People, tiny eel eyes need protection too!

Yours,

Jenny, Kent

Dearest Dr Dave,

I was married recently but kept my maiden name. As wedding gifts, we received an eel complete with adoption certificate, alas the certificate indicates that it's surname name is that of my husband.

While we appreciate this generosity, I feel the eel should have a choice in what it's surname is. (The eel was from a close family member on my husband's side who knew I would be keeping my name.) How do we handle this?

In yours we trust,

Jenny (Mrs), Shropshire

Hey Crazy Davey,

There is a man at work I'm very attracted to. He seems to be equally attracted to me. The problem is, he has shown me a few pictures of his domesticated eel that he has on his mobile phone. When he did it, it was completely out of context of our conversation (we were talking about badgers!). We do not have a physical relationship (yet), but I'm considering it. How weird is it that he has these pictures on his phone?

Yours in good health,

J (Jenny). Smith

If you have any questions or stories or you fancy joining me for a podcast, add a comment or send me a lovely email, preferable not about eels!

chinamansadventure@rocketmail.com 

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Chinaman's Adventure Classic Episode ...

Why not listen to last years Halloween Podcast to get you in the mood for a weekend of children beating at your doors demanding sweets... I seem to remember myself and the lovely Zoe spending most the episode slanging off the 'Twilight saga' ....enjoy!

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Halloween Adventure

Dear George,

Happy Halloween! To celebrate the occasion national rail ran my train on time this morning, the sun is out but it's a chilly 9*C and the price of a 1^st class stamp is 60p... Also, I am going to a Halloween party tonight!

In many ways Halloween is my favourite holiday, and not just because women use it as an excuse to dress like prostitutes! I've seen girls on the game with more modesty than the parade of witches, red devils and black cats i've spotted this week.

As a child the whole experience of halloween was amazing; the days leading up to All Hallow's Eve were filled with a buzz of excitement about the prospect of eating ones body weight in sweets. I remember at school being allowed to decorate the class room with spooky pictures of ghosts and bats, hanging fake cobwebs and making the girls scream with strategically placed rubber spiders. Then there was the trick or treating, as a kid this was a mind blowing concept; i'd dress up as something scary, bang on my neighbour's door and get a hand full of chocolate! I do that today and i'm placed on some kind of register.

So, what will I wear tonight? I don't know. I do know I will not be going as a zombie, the lazy man's costume, I shall be very unhappy if the majority of costumes I see tonight are zombie costumes. I like to see effort in a costume, I am after all a man who dressed up as Mr Potato head a couple of weeks ago. Maybe I shall wear again tonight! But make it look more scary … give it fangs, or a pointy wizards hat … No wait! I'll make him into a Potato-Zombie! I am a genius.

I want to hear your Halloween stories! Leave a comment or send an email!

chinamansadventure@rocketmail.com

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave