My half Marathon Adventure

Dear George,

I hope this letter finds you well. I hear that you are starting a new job, for this i applaud you!  I hope you have better luck with the commute to work than i do.  It's 10*C outside, a bit chilly but the sun is out! My train was 2mins late, which wasn't too bad since i was late myself.  A first class stamp will cost you 60p.

I am pleased to report that this weekend i took part in the 'Run to the beat' half marathon.  I not only took part but i ran a personal best! Yes, look impressed.  I ran 13.1miles in 1hour 41minutes 37seconds.

I can't tell you how chuffed i was to smash my previous years time.  I reckon had i not had to nip down a side alley to go for a pee i would have run a sub 1h 40h, but i guess i have something to aim for.  I'm signing up for another half marathon in February and then i have a triathlon to do in June, so you can look forward to my updates of how shattered and ruined my body becomes.

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Maltese Adventure

Dear George,

I hope you are well, my friend. The weather outside is a bitter 6*C. My train was on time this morning, however I noticed that the Overground trains aren't running this weekend (again!) due to engineering works. A first class stamp will cost you 60p. Also, I have just been on holiday to Malta...

“How was it?”, I hear you ask... well, shut up and i'll tell you!

It was lovely! Around 26*C everyday, no trains impeding my travel arrangements, and since I have no friends, I didn't have to queue in a post office to buy stamps. It was non-stop relaxing. Everyday I woke up early for breakfast then planted my sweet ass on the beach and dozed to the sound of the Mediterranean sea lapping at sand beneath my feet. Occasionally i'd take a dip in the sea, sometimes to swim, sometime just to enjoy the novelty of being in water so clear I could watch the fish wriggle away from my pastey pale legs. Then back to my towel i'd stride to bake the other side of my albino body.

I went all inclusive which meant food and drink was on tap … the larger tasted so watered down, it seemed to literally have come from a tap! But it was free and there was plenty of it. I got to ride in a speed boat, explored some caves, got to sit on the front of a tour boat (just like that bit in Titanic!), I got nipped by a crab, swam in the ocean, ordered fancy cocktails, got upgraded to a better room, spent hours gazing out to sea from my balcony and went for manly jogs along the sandy coastline outside the resort. I have seldom felt so serene. However, there was one thing I took a serious issue to right before my little holiday began...

I flew with Easy Jet, because i enjoy being striped of my humanity and dignity and being transported in worse conditions than veal on its way to an abattoir. As we waited at the tiny cramped area for the plane to arrive, unload and get deloused I took a seat and watched all the other passengers jostle in a queue in hope that they got the best seats. In my experience getting on last is usually the better option. The announcement went out that our flight was ready to board and that if all passengers who'd paid for 'speedy boarding' could board first. Next came the call for any disabled passengers to board, then families with young children. I couldn't quiet believe my ears; the people who'd paid an extra £12 got preferential treatment over the disabled! What kind of a person is willing to pay extra so as to get to board a plane slightly quicker over an old lady in a wheel chair or a family with small children? Is that like someone paying a monthly fee to park in any 'disabled only' parking space? Who is paying to make sure they're getting the advantage over the disabled? Are they paying the extra so that they can get on the plane first and masturbate over how much joy they feel knowing that they have beaten a person in need of assistance in seizing what are in their minds are the best seats of an Easy Jet flight?

As you can probably tell, I was in need of a holiday.

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave

Backwards Cap Adventure

Dear George,

The other day I went for hike through the famed English countryside we are blessed with here in Great Britain. I had dressed for rain, not something that sounds too daft for the average UK hiker to do. However, the seemly endless summer of rain we were experiencing had taken the day off. The result was that i was now overdressed and was painfully aware that I wouldn't last more than a few hundred yards before collapsing into a sweaty pile of fabric. I really needed something else to wear. There were scant few moments before my train departed, fortunately I caught sight on a clothes shop inside Waterloo station. I burst inside and like a whirling dervish I began swooshing hangers across metallic rails, waving excitingly coloured garments in front of myself, and all in all provided a riveting diversion for the four members of staff. With enough time to grab a cup of tea, I dashed from the store clutching a thin grey v-neck t-shirt and an olive green baseball cap.

I'm a man who doesn't care much for hats; i'm ambivalent at best. However, I knew the sun would be bearing down on my poor lilly white skin for the day and roast it to a fine red finish. The baseball cap, I reasoned, would serve as canvas barrier against the yellow might of the sun. Also, since I would walking through forests, fields and forgotten footpaths I figured, no one would be around to see me look silly in a hat. With that in mind I boarded the train, tucked my water proofs, and other now redundant layers into my back pack and awaited my journey to begin, cap firmly nestled on my head.

Now, long story short, after an hour of skipping my merry way across country I began to feel the sun beating down on my neck. I'd applied lashings of sun block, but the Boots' own brand solution was no match for Apollo's power. I would solve this problem by simply spinning my cap 180*, thus using the cap's peak as shield protecting me from further sola persecution. I wore that cap backwards for the rest of the day. I didn't think it was too bad, actually I didn't think about it much at all. It felt more comfortable backwards, my face wasn't hidden, my neck wasn't burning, my hair was hidden, and it provided a much needed sweat barrier! And i'd kind of forgotten I was wearing it like that...that was until I wore it to work, then I knew I was wearing it. I have rarely known an item of clothing to cause such reaction. For those who are avid readers of this blog will know I had recently spent a day with flies undone and had less reaction. The looks and comments were those comparable to those Mel Gibson would receive had he walked into a synagogue. … it was relentless.

Now I save my cap wearing exploits for when i'm hiking across country, jogging around the park or sitting alone in my room, in front of the mirror pretending i'm in an early 90s boy band...