Dear George,
I hope you are well. Today my train was cancelled. The weather this evening is a warm and pleasant 20*C with clear skies. We here in Britain still use the sterling (£) and a first class stamp is 46p.
I am very fond of drinking. People often say to me “Dave, why are you drunk all the time?” I say “because I can afford to be!” Drinking has never done me any harm…well, except maybe the blackouts… and hangovers… You have a few pints then suddenly everything goes dark and you wake up the next morning in an unfurnished flat, dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz…That happens to me all the time.
The reason I mention drinking is that there was a bit in the paper today about how Bar owners should report people they suspect are drunk drivers. I agree with this completely. Drinking and driving is an awful awful thing to do where some immoral, selfish cunt, risks killing or maiming some innocent party… It is perhaps in the countryside where there is no public transport and friends and pubs are scattered over a vast area where drink-driving can be understood – if not excused. I propose there should be designed a special Drinko-matic car for the rural drinker. It would be made of a soft foam rubber and would be powered by the motor from an electric carving knife so it could only go at 3mph. It would have flashy lights on top and light bulbs would flash the word DRUNK. Thus the country drinkers could very slowly make their way home. Sober people would see them coming a mile away and the drunk-driver could tumble into ditches or plough into bus queues without causing the usual massacre.
Problem solved.
Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave
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