Drink-driving Adventure

Dear George,

I hope you are well.  Today my train was cancelled.  The weather this evening is a warm and pleasant 20*C with clear skies. We here in Britain still use the sterling (£) and a first class stamp is 46p.

I am very fond of drinking.  People often say to me “Dave, why are you drunk all the time?” I say “because I can afford to be!”  Drinking has never done me any harm…well, except maybe the blackouts… and hangovers… You have a few pints then suddenly everything goes dark and you wake up the next morning in an unfurnished flat, dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz…That happens to me all the time.

The reason I mention drinking is that there was a bit in the paper today about how Bar owners should report people they suspect are drunk drivers.  I agree with this completely.  Drinking and driving is an awful awful thing to do where some immoral, selfish cunt, risks killing or maiming some innocent party… It is perhaps in the countryside where there is no public transport and friends and pubs are scattered over a vast area where drink-driving can be understood – if not excused.  I propose there should be designed a special Drinko-matic car for the rural drinker.  It would be made of a soft foam rubber and would be powered by the motor from an electric carving knife so it could only go at 3mph.  It would have flashy lights on top and light bulbs would flash the word DRUNK.  Thus the country drinkers could very slowly make their way home.  Sober people would see them coming a mile away and the drunk-driver could tumble into ditches or plough into bus queues without causing the usual massacre.

Problem solved.

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave

Serious man's Adventure

Dear George,

What a strange few days it has been.  It feels like it has passed as some kind of dream.  The weather outside is a muggy 13*C with lots and lots of rain.  My train was on time this morning, first class stamps are 46p and I’ve been thinking a lot about philosophy and psychology, which makes a pleasant change from boobs, cartoons and racism.  I recently watched a documentary that discussed the idea of “objectivism” the notion that the most logical way to live is to be selfish, and it is irrational and immoral to act against one’s self-interest.

    My philosophy, in essence, is the concept of man as a heroic being, with his own happiness as the moral purpose of his life, with productive achievement as his noblest activity, and reason as his only absolute.

—Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged

For some reason I’ve not been able keep these ideas from my mind.  Is the only way to have happiness is to be selfish?

I’ve been reading up on it for a few days and using the philosophy in conjunction with events in my own life.  I really try not to be selfish and if I’m honest I will often put others before me leaving myself at disadvantage.  I not mind really, but maybe I should.  Are actions like that stopping me from being fulfilled? Is taking the moral high ground or patting myself on the back just a way of giving me a quick fix of joy because ultimately I am unhappy and unfulfilled.

I have an example.  It’s something I’ve never really given much thought until now but maybe it’ll help explain where I am in life.  Every morning I’ll have a cup of tea and a bowl of cereal.  That is, however, if there is enough milk.  I don’t mean enough milk for me, but enough milk for everyone in the house.  As you know I live with 2 lovely ladies, and if I think there won’t be enough milk for each of us to have tea and cereal I will go without and eat toast and drink juice.  Not the worse compromise I’m sure you’ll agree but I’ve been doing this since I can remember, all through my working life, university and high school.  Should I do this? I love tea, we all do, but I give up my precious live giving cup if there’s not enough milk to go around.  Some days I’m pissed off of course, especially because I’m the one who always buys it, but I never make a fuss and never say a word.  Is this wrong?  It’s really not a big deal… or is it?

According to objectivism, this is wrong and this type of behavior will lead to an unfulfilled miserable life.  By denying myself even this simple thing I am somehow denying myself the right to be happy.

I know this isn’t like my normal bad observational comedy I like to litter my blog with.  Situations, both social and professional, have been getting right under my skin of late and I have found myself asking what has happened in the chain of events leading to these moments.

In other news, on hearing that one of the Australian Girls who dances in the show I’m working on has to go back to Australia next month because of her visa, another actor announced backstage that 

“She works really hard! It isn’t fair that she has to go back to her own country.  Especially when there are Asians here who don’t do anything…”

Quite.

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave

Lazy Sunday

Dear George,

I've really enjoyed reading about your trek through Japan... i think you should buy the bikes and cycle!  (For anyone reading this who isn't called George or traveling across Japan or thinking of buying a bicycle there's a link to George's blog at the bottom of this page so you can see what he's up to and it may fill in the blanks)  As you probably guessed from the title today is Sunday.  I am hung over.  It is scortching outside a whooping 28*C with clear blue skies!  I've spent the last few hours sat outside reading Batman comics, listening to NOFX and eating Cheetos... i'm turning a lovely shade of pink and decided it was time to come indoors to check that the price of stamps were still 46p.

It was a very lethargic blog entry Mr Randerson, i have several half written blog entries that are all deep and thoughtful but each time i think about telling you what's really on my mind i get distracted by... well... everything...  I do like your rambling, distracted way of documenting your trip...when i read it, it feels like your here.

So what's been happening in my world?  Well we're only a couple of weeks away from Dirty Dancing leaving our theatre and a summer of free evenings beyond that.  It'll be very strange having so many people leave when the show goes... but as i'm sure you can imagine it'll be nice and peaceful.  It's very strange at work at the moment...i'm not sure i suit being in charge.  I'm pretty crap at giving orders and in turn i don't think people see me as a figure of authority.  Isn't it weird how different you can be when your with different people?  I think this conversation is best saved for another day.

I let my pet stick insects free the other night.  I came to own them after i helped out at on a cake stand a few weeks ago.  It was to raise money for a street party.  There were activities going on all day and a stall next to ours selling tea and coffee, and another selling plants.  Then there were a couple of little kids selling stick insects in little bottles, £1 per bottle...bargain!  It was obvious that all the blokes there wanted some but because they were now adults they knew that society would never allow it.  After a couple of hours the kids hadn't sold any were looking pretty glum indeed, so i inquired after a medium sized bottle which had about 6 stick insects inside.  Well, these guys knew their stuff. answered all my questions on how to look after them, how often to feed them and what to do if they grew so big they'd break free from the bottle and run amok in down town Tokyo.  They even had little information sheets printed out so i could take home with my new pets. 

That was a just about a month ago and in that time i kept them fed and watered, cleaned out their bottle and read them to sleep each night.  However, like all offspring they grew up and it was time to let them leave home and make it on their own.  so late Thursday night, undercover of darkness, i took the lid off their glass home, sat the bottle in the neighbours beautiful flower bed and watched as each one of them took there first steps into the real world and took in their first lung full of freedom.  As i removed the bottle, ready to return to the house i noticed one of the little insects was still inside, clinging to neck of the bottle.  Not ready to leave i thought to myself, but after some words of encouragement (and some vigorous shaking!) he scrambled out on to a leaf  and began happily munching away on his first meal in the big wide world.

Emotional stuff i'm sure you'll agree.

well i think that'll do from me for now.  I do believe because everyone in the house is hung over i've recommended that we get a take-away. So i'll leave you with a few of the latest headlines from the UK.  It's Glastonbury weekend and tonight Beyonce is headlining.  Peter Falk, the actor who played Columbo died this week at the age of 83.  Andy Murry is doing well at the tennis.  Teachers are planning to go on strike.  Sonic the hedgehog is 20 years old.  While you're travelling to China the Chinese Premier, clearly motivated by this blog, is having hie own 'Chinaman's Adventure' and is visiting Stratford-upon-Avon.

That's all for now mate, dinner time i think.  Then i'll be getting my co-host Sophie to join me as we watch 'The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo drift'.
Take care buddy,
yours,
Little Dave

Episode 4 - A fast and furious special!

Dear George,

I hope this letter finds you in good health.  It's 18*C outside and partly cloudy.  My train was bang on time this morning.  On average, a bottle of Fanta will set you back 96p.  The price of a first class stamp is 46p.

Here it is.  The first installment in our review of the 'Fast and Furious' pentalogy...(yes, pentalogy is a real word!).  In this week's episode we cover the first 2 films and for some reason i spend a lot of time trying to impersonate Cher.  I've also attached to this message the 'You tube' clips we talk about in the Podcast... So for your listening pleasure, i present to you the forth episode of our Podcast.

   

   
   
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Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Our Fast and Furious adventure

Dear George,



I hope this letter finds you well.  It's a lovely evening here in London, 16*C outside and clear skies.  i paid a reasonable 70p for a cup of tea and the price of a first class stamp is 46p.

Although i'm feeling rather chipper i got some bad news today...Alas Little Chris won't be coming to stay with me this weekend so there will be no special Podcast featuring his own unique vocal styling.  What a prick!  It would seem dental hygiene and the future of his oral health is far more important than seeing me and recording for you a message... but don't let that upset you my friend because tomorrow this weeks new Podcast will be up and it's a bit of treat...allow me to explain...
 

The 5th installment of the Fast and Furious franchise came out at the cinema not too long ago, 'Fast 5' as it is also known.  Have you seen any of the films? I had not and for your listening pleasure Sophie and i decided watch each film and give it our own critic.  I'd love to tell you more about what happened to lead us to this decision but i don't think there is a story to go with it...i was just amazed it had made to a number 5 so figured there must be something to the films so announced that we were now duty bound to report to you our findings... I'm not sure my co-host Sophie shared my enthusiasm.

It's just a quick message tonight mate.  It's been a long old day at work so not much has happened, tomorrow i'll give you a round up of any news you may find interesting...

Anyway, i miss you buddy,
Take care,
Yours,
Little Dave

Ikea Adventure

Dear George,

What a week it's been and it's only Wednesday! A swarm of bees has caused chaos on Regent Street.  Boris Johnson is on course for a second term as mayor and Chris is coming to stay at my house this weekend!  I have been a busy boy this week making my pad look nice and tidy for the arrival of our mate Chris and his lovely lady friend.  It has even involved a glorious trip to Ikea because apparently shelves are a tidier place to keep things than the floor...???

I love going to Ikea.  For me everything about the experience is something I enjoy.  The digging out of my blue Ikea 'bag for life'.  The purchasing of a nice cup of tea for the journey to the tram stop. The ride on a tram...a real tram from like in the olden days.  As one rattles down the tram lines, the twin, tall, chimney stacks loom over the horizon like a lighthouse guiding ships safely away from the rocks and to the comfort of quality Swedish furnishings.

Upon arrival I stride across the enormous car park with a spring in my step and a song in my heart... Through the wide revolving doors I go, often I’ll linger by the doors a for a while so I can "ride" the revolving doors on my own and have a whole section to myself.  Once inside the only way is up...because that's where the furniture is...I long leisurely glide up the escalator to the first level where I am greeted with a clear plastic box full to the brim of little Ikea pencils.  I have to confess I own about 3,000 of these little pencils, and will inevitable pick up 2 or 3 more on each visit, always tucking them behind my ear in a manly fashion (only 1...putting 2 or 3 behind my ear would not look manly at all!).

The first decision I make is whether or not go to the restaurant now or after I’ve taken the 'yellow floor arrow tour' of the building.  Going to the restaurant is an essential part of my Ikea adventure because I just looooove their meatballs.  Love 'em I tell you, and all their gravy goodness.  When I was a student my flat mate and I would regularly go to eat at Ikea on a Wednesday night so we could enjoy a hearty meal before nipping over to the cinema and take advantage of the 'Orange Wednesday' offer.  Happy days indeed...if I could only turn back time...

The 'Yellow floor arrow tour' is one I have taken many times, and I imagine I’ll walk that path many more...it's like stepping into Narnia.  Each section is like a stepping into different worlds.  Fantasylands where no one leaves cups on coffee tables, drop crumbs on counters or keep old Chinese take-away menus stuffed into draws.  I just want to live in everyone...  Bookshelves with line upon line of uniform sized hard backs, no curly paged, heavily thumbed copies of the di vinci code here.  Beds neatly made without tea stains on the duvet.  Beautiful wooden tables with 4 matching chairs, no grabbing the folding chair from under the stairs to make up the numbers in this household.  Then there are the kids bedrooms...oh the stuff for a child’s bedroom!  All I can say is clearly my parents didn't love me as much as Swedish parents love their offspring.

Next comes the section where you can start to realise the dream.  Now it's time to pick up the furniture and the distracting pointless iteams you'll find as you navigate the sales area.  Someone once described Ikea furiture as Lego for grown-ups, i have to agree.


Now it's time to pay for your goodies.  Ikea know that this is a real down to earth with a thud moment because lets face it, it ain't cheap...probably because they're trying to make their money back on all those pencils going missing!  Ikea have found a novel way of distracting the consumer from parting with money by displaying bag upon bag of mini 'Dime bars'.  In many ways this is often the sole purpose of making my epic journey from Zone 3 to Zone 5.  Frankly you could offer me the promise of confectionary in miniature form and I’d do anything.

Then it's the ride home, quietly and contently munching on a big bag of tiny chocolate bars... So you can keep Russia, Mr Randerson... and every Russian there.


Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave


ps.  Stamps = 46p

In brightest day, in blackest night...

Dear George,

Hope you are well.  This morning my train was canceled and the next one was delayed.  It is 14*C outside with scattered showers...The rain has been relentless and i blame it all on the fact that the Wimbledon tennis tournament has started.  The price of a first class stamp is 46p.

The 'Green Lantern' movie opened at cinemas this past weekend and i spent a happy Sunday evening a group of geeks watching the film in 3D.  I say group of geeks, there was an elderly couple sitting next to me who didn't have the foggiest idea what was going on...lucky i was there to help them! just as i'm here to help you lucky reader...

The Guardians of the Universe are one of several races that originated on the planet Maltus, and were among the first intelligent life forms in the universe.  The Guardians dedicated themselves to combating evil and create an orderly universe and relocated to the centre of the universe to the planet Oa.  they tried doing this with robots called Manhunters...this didn't work out so the Guardians decided that their newest force of soldiers for good would consist of living beings, ones who had free will and strong moral character.  They called them 'The Green Lanterns'. The weapon of choice created was the 'Power ring', rings of inconceivably-advanced technology that allowed their wearers to project green beams of energy with which the bearer could conjure objects of any size or shape, limited only by their imagination and willpower...therefore if you were about to get beaten up by 4 huge blokes you can imagine a giant Monty Python-esque shoe to flatten them and because your wearing the power ring it would actually happen!  The movie is the story of how Hal Jorden becomes a member of the Green Lanterns...It was pretty awesome!

There's loads of detail i've missed out and i'm sure if you ask nicely i'll fill you in.  I've become quite a comic book geek in the last couple of years so as i'm sure you can imagine it was a great evening out for me.  It had been a busy old weekend, you see, it turns out Chris is coming down to stay with me Saturday so i've been finding places to hid my ever expanding comic book collection and shopping at Ikea for things to make my place look presentable.  While he's here we'll do a couple of Podcasts so if you have any topics you'd like us to discus let us know before the weekend.

Anyway mate i'm off now to check on the latest news updates and put the finishing touches to this weeks Podcast... It's a 'Fast and Furious' special.

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Episode 3

 Dear George,

 Here's episode 3!
This week our heroes try a new way of doing the Podcast and come to the sad conclusion that Sophis isn't funny...

  

   
   
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Linguistic Adventures

Dear George,

Glad to hear you've made it to Japan.  I was hoping to have time off so could then fly over and surprise you.... but that's a lot of effort, and if I were there who'd be in the UK updating you on the latest news?  It is 13*C outside, mostly cloudy with scattered showers. The weather has been this way all week...apart from the day when London was on fire (!)... Whilst in the post office queue, there to check on the price of a first class stamp (46p), I over heard someone describe the weather as "raining cats and dogs".

I do love that phrase.  It is one that we can use all the time in England.  I don't know if you know that I love finding out the history of sayings and words, I have on my bookshelf now many books on the subject of etymology and the history behind "raining cats and dogs" is a great little theory.

The probable source of "raining cats and dogs" is rooted in the fact that, in the filthy streets of 17th/18th century England, heavy rain would occasionally carry along dead animals and other debris. The animals didn't fall from the sky, but the sight of dead cats and dogs floating by in storms could well have caused the coining of this colourful phrase. Jonathan Swift described such an event in his satirical poem 'A Description of a City Shower', first published in the 1710.

The first theory I came across, and my favorite by a country mile, is just silly.  It supposes that the saying came from idea that animals would make homes in the thatched roofs of houses because they were nice and warm.  In a heavy down pour the roof would become slippery and the animals resting therein would fall.  Thus it would be literally raining cats and dogs.

I don’t expect everyone to share my love of etymology but I hope these stories go some way to explain why I do.  I love seeing how these theories come about.  I love how stories and words evolve, and what I really really find satisfying about the thatch roof theory, is the correct use of the word "literal"…

This is all a roundabout way of getting to the real gripe I have on my mind… Whilst in the post office queue a man a couple of places behind me, talking on his phone said “I’m literally in the post office now.”

Now, are we to suppose that the person on the other end of the phone believed him to only be figuratively in post office? Maybe he had been metaphorically in the post office?  I over heard a similar thing the other day.  A young lady had stepped off the train at waterloo and was walking down the platform and holding a conversation on her mobile and saying “I’ve literally got off the train”…  Why say literally?  There’s no way of getting that confused about that statement she was getting off the train.  Who knows maybe the whole conversation went something like this:

“I’ll call you back when I get to work, I’m getting off the train now”

“What do you mean getting off the train?”

“I’m getting off the train”

“Sorry I’m confused.  Do you mean you’re alighting a mode of public transportation or making having some kind of spiritual breakthrough whereby you’ve seen that life is an illusion and we’re mindless drones working in a system and now you’re escaping your mortal body’s shackles and ascending to a higher plane of existence?”

“No, I’m literally getting off the train.”

What also pisses me off is when people inappropriately use the word literal and say things like

            “I literally jumped out of my skin”

You didn’t.  That never happened…

            “I was literally scared to death”

You were not.  If you had been it would mean you would be dead and not here to annoy me.

            “I’m literally dying for the toilet”

Are you?  Really?! About to die are we because your bladder is full of urine???

            “I was literally petrified”

What?! Petrified? You changed you entire organic matter into a stony concretion by encrusting or replacing its original substance with a calcareous, siliceous, or other mineral deposit? Is that what happened? Is it? IS IT?!

All the best mate. See you in OZ
Yours.
Little Dave

London's burning

Dear George

What a week it has been!  Sorry for not writing to you sooner but so much has happened.  First, my train this morning was on time but instead of the usual 8 coach train, it was only 4 carriages long... Therefore, when train become full to bursting the train announcement kindly asked that we all move down the carriage more to allow the next station full of commuters on.  This continued for the next 3 stops, each time the train driver getting more and more agitated.  By now the train was beyond crowed.  I have never seen people sharing a space so intimately outside of an orgy and at no point did the driver apologies for leaving the depo that morning with only half a train.  Getting angry with the customer because of the service you're providing seems to be part of the public transport system...  This is like a waiter giving you soup with no spoon then giving you a scolding after the meal because you'd consequently made a mess of the table cloth!

The weather outside is 13*C and very, very, very wet. The rain has been relentless.  It was rain of biblical proportions, in fact I swear I sore a hapless Shepard trying to round up 2 of ever animal and by the time I reached work I was soaked through.  First class stamps remain 46p.

I was going to tell you all about my very own adventure I had on Monday going Ikea but I got a little distracted because on my way into work I couldn’t'\t help notice that part of London was on fire.  "Which part?" I hear you cry. The part over the road from where I work. Smoke everywhere...70 firefighters tackling the blaze from the uncompleted office block no more than 100yards from the front of our theatre.  The auditorium stank of BBQ.  We spent most of the day sat on the roof watching the flames lick away at the partially finished dome.  When it was time to start the checking the lights for the performance a decision had been made to cancel the show...hooray! To the pub!!

Alas, celebrations were cut short as it was up to me to come in to work early the following day to and attempt to rid the building of the smell of campfires at a music festival.  It is now Thursday and it still smells...  Once i've got back into some kind of routine at work i'll send you a more detailed account of my trip to Ikea...yeah i know what you bitches like...


Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Rainy sunday

Dear George,

I hope you've had a nice weekend mate.  It is 14*C outside and very, very wet.  The price of a first class stamp is 46p.

So before i tell you what has occurred to me this damp weekend i'll give you a few of the latest headlines minus all the ones about murders and rapes:

• More than 5,000 people attended London's 'Slutwalk' march - part of a phenomenon against the culture of blaming women for being sexually harrassed.
• More strikes have been announced on the London Underground in a row over a staff member who was sacked
• The Basketball Arena, becomes the fourth venue to be finished at the Olympic Park in London
• Bruce Forsyth receives a well-deserved Knighthood

There's not a lot else i think will cause you any kind of longing to be back home. Except maybe the story of the bloke who made sandals for his duck.  I did however find out that classic horror movie star/legend, Boris Karloff lived (albeit for a short period) down the road from me in Honour Oak Park.  There's one of those blue plaques up on the house so i'll have to go take a picture for the blog.

This week also saw the third and final episode of Adam Curtis' documentary 'All watched over by machines of loving grace'.  I think you would have really enjoyed the whole thing and if anyone else is reading this go watch it now...it'll be on BBC iplayer for a bit and then I'm sure you can stream it for free somewhere.  The gist of the whole series has been the impact of computers on society.  First episode looked at how economists thought that using computers would regulate the markets, minimise financial collapse and monitor investments...it didn't work.  Second episode looked at how ecologists tried using computers to predict behaviour because some believed that nature always balanced things out...it didn't work.  The third episode looked at how the consumer boom in electrical goods and consequential land grabbing there has been in the countries where the minerals to make the goods are.  It also disuses genes and concludes that machines can't be like humans and humans have become computers, pre-programmed through our genes.  I've not done it justice but all i can say is that it is fascinating and a real joy to watch.

I'll sign off now my friend.  I have to feed my stick insects...yes that's right i have stick insects, but that is another story...

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Goodnight sweetheart

Dear George,

A very good afternoon to you.  It's 12*C outside and partly cloudy.  My train was on time but as i walked from Waterloo east to Waterloo i couldn't help notice the departure board and see that all but 2 trains were 'delayed' and the 2 that weren't delayed were 'canceled'.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  I'm so glad i don't work normal hours, i don't know how commuters do it.

I wouldn't say i was a morning person but i really don't mind getting up early.  I enjoy creeping silently around the house trying not to wake anyone, making tea and toast and sitting in my Pj's.  But i have to say 'mah' favourite thing about getting up early for work is watching old episodes of 'friends' 'Frasier' and 'everybody loves Raymond'.  This morning, to my pleasant surprise there was an episode of 'Goodnight sweetheart'

I love the idea of time travel but i can't help think that it is wasted on Gary Sparrow.  He can travel back in time to the second world war via some kind of time portal he found down a back alley in the East End of London.  He uses this gift to become the worlds first time-travel adulterer.  This is where my issue lies, i think if i were in his shoes I'd do so much more than travel back in time and start having an illicit relationship with a bar-maid.  To make matters worse the pub this young lady works in is only around the corner from Gary's time portal...where's the ambition? He's traveled back in time to have an affair with the first woman he meets, in the first place he walked into...madness!!!!

News i know you'll find interesting George, Dominic West (or as we know him McNulty off of 'the Wire') is doing a play round the corner from where i work and yesterday he was behind me in cafe buying a sandwich while i was in there buying tea.  i resisted the urge to shout out "McNulty you rule" or "Did you really get a boner when you filming that bit when you're having sex with those two Russian prostitutes?".... i said nothing but i think he knew i was thinking it.

Went to pub after work and literally bumped into Reece Shearsmith (him off of 'the league of gentlemen').  I said sorry and he wave my apology away exclaiming it was his fault.  A wee bit later he somehow managed to bump into me again, i tutted and said "oh, you again".  I plucked up the courage to then ask if i might shake his hand and make a fool of myself by lavishing praise upon him, he was more than happy to ablige.  I can confirm he is a very nice man.

Well that's it for now mate.  I hope you are well.  I'll be sure to give you a news update a little later.

Take care buddy.
Yours,
Little Dave

...Because i got high.

Dear George,

Last night a curious thing happened and as we are friends I feel I can share this with you.  Before I went to sleep I sat up next to the computer with my guitar on my lap.  After a couple of weeks of playing Beatles Rock band on the Wii, I was struck with the notion that I don’t know how to actually play any of their songs, and after a couple of hours of pouring over chords I can confirm I still don’t.

I set the guitar down in its usual spot.  As I stood up, turned around to begin the processes of shutting down the laptop, my head began to spin.  It seemed every where I looked a little light shone from a weird angle, and as I looked away it went out and flashed back on in the area I was now looking.  I closed my eyes for a moment, and gave them a rub.  Returning my attention to the computer the fun really started. It was like every source of light in the room was leaving a trail of light behind it.  It was fucked up. Moments later I found myself staring at the far end of the room switching my gaze from the one wall, to the ceiling, to the floor, to the other wall, over and over again.  I can only describe it as disco lights going off in my bedroom.  I checked my watch as I took it off to get ready for bed and was shocked to note that I’d been standing there for almost an hour, glazed over, watching the strange shadows being cast from optical flashlights on my bedroom wall.  My head was light and I felt as if I was floating around my bed, hands out ready trying to touch the strings of light emanating from the light fixtures around me.

I made it to bed and decided to leave the lights on for a little longer to enjoy my own personal Aurora Borealis then fell asleep.  In the morning my head was a little groggy so I drank some water and by the sink I noticed the tablets I’d taken the night before, because I’d felt a little bunged up, were out of date.  I’d spiked myself it would seem. I’m glad no one else was around to see me chasing rainbows and sunbeams.  Although if I’m honest there could have been any number of people there, I would not have noticed.

Who needs to travel across the world for adventure?  You could have saved a fortune and sat in your bedroom taking out of date hay fever tablets.

Take care buddy,

The temperature outside is 15*C with scattered showers.  This morning my train was cancelled. The price of a first class stamp is 46p.

Yours,

Little Dave

The moral maze

Dear George,

Second post of the day.  It is now 15*C outside, the price of a first class stamp remains 46p and I'm in a state of shock.

I'm at work right now.  Working away in my office when my attention was caught by shrieks and laughter from the crew room next door.  a little mouse had decided to climb up onto the sofa and casually sit on the edge of one of crew's laptop.

"it won't move!"

It didn't.  it was just chilling, washing his little fury face.  There were 6 of us standing in a semi-circle around it just staring at the mouse, all knowing it had to die and none of us wanting to be the one to do it.  As we stood there it was clear that the mouse was probably going to die anyway but we knew, as much as we were hoping it would just leave the arm of the sofa and pass away in some distant wall cavity, this was not going to happen.  So what to do???  Kill it there?  Try and ignore it and let it die in peace or ignore it and hope it goes away?  Set it free to die somewhere else? take it to a quiet out of the way place in the theatre and let it go?  I knew i certainly couldn't do it.  What a moral dilemma!

The laptop way moved from under it and the mouse rather pathetically lurched and continued to remain in one place.  As we decided who would deal the death blow i couldn't help notice the mouse had climbed onto a book titled "Britain's most notorious serial killers".  Was the little fella trying to communicate with us?

I'll leave out the grizzly details of it's last moments on earth.  The mouse has passed on and now rests inside a Tesco carrier bag, inside a tall bin no more than 5 feet away from me.

Could you kill a mouse?

Love and hugs
Little Dave

London calling

Dear George,
I hope this message finds you well. This morning my train was a whooping 11mins late. It is 17*C outside and mostly clear. Britain's still using sterling (£) and on average, 400ml of shampoo cost £3.19. The price of a first class stamp is 46p.
Your last blog entry was a pleasure to read. So in return allow me to keep you up to date with the news in London this past week:

• More than 207,000 things have been handed in to Transport for London's lost property office in the past year. Books were the most common with 41,000 handed in.
• About 1.8 million people made 20 million bids for the 6.6 million Olympic games tickets available.
• Women's rights groups have slammed Hugh Hefner for exploiting women as he re-launches a Playboy club in London. Maybe I should investigate this more…
• In the past year there has been a 20% increase in the amount of tube delays according to Transport for London's figures. The Bakerloo Line was the worst performer, followed by the Jubilee and Central Lines.
• Crime on the tubes and DLR went down by 7 per cent - and on the buses by 4 per cent - in the last year. Probably because the criminals have more time to mug folk as they wait for their delayed train! Or it’s that the criminal minded are just as pissed off with how expensive it is to use public transport! Or is it because the real crime is being committed by the people who run TFL?!… Oh yeah. Satire, bitch!
• Inner London has the highest proportion of jobless homes in the UK with the number with no one having ever worked doubling. The Office for National Statistics says the total number of households in which no-one has ever worked has doubled - from 184,000 in 1997 to 352,000 last year - 1.7% of all homes. But in Inner London 6.5% of households have never had a job.
• Three men have been charged after a security alert at a bank that saw bomb disposal teams and armed police deployed to the scene. The incident at the Co-op branch in Watford last Thursday led to a stand-off with officers lasting several hours.
• More than 60 firefighters tackle a fire in Kent involving more than 1000 litres of oil.
• A police officer assaulted a 19-year-old French tourist and left him needing hospital treatment after spotting him urinating in a bush in Hoxton Square.

On top of this a teenager has been shot in South London, a man stabbed in Fulham and a woman was killed in a hit and run in Walthanstow. A man died in a car crash in Belvedere, a guy was shot in a drive-by in Stockwell and 2 police officers were stabbed in Eailing.

I think the biggest news stories revolve around Wayne Rooney’s hair transplant and other celebrity toss that makes my head hurt just thinking about how to write about it. Therefore, I will leave you with this story. After reading about your issues with money out there I thought this story would interest you. A teenager in China was desperate to buy himself an ipad 2 but, alas, didn’t have the money. Xiao Zheng, from the country's south-eastern Anhui province, is believed to have met a broker on the internet who said he could help him sell his kidney for £1,825 (Yuan 20,000). So there you are mate. China’s your next stop and if things go really bad just whack an organ on eBay. After all that drinking I’m not sure you’ll get quite as much as the guy in the story, but it’ll get you a bowl of noodles or two.

Take care buddy
Yours
Little Dave

A number 2 for you.

Dear George,

Well now i've got the hang of it i thought i'd stick another one on for your listening pleasure...

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Enjoy

Episode one!

Dear George,

I hope this message finds you well. The weekend has arrived. This morning my train was 4mins late. It is 21*C outside and partly cloudy. Britain's still using sterling (£) and on average, 1kg of sugar cost 79p. The price of a first class stamp is 46p.

At long last i bring you the Podcast i have been promising you since you left all those weeks ago. It's a bit rough around the edges and you can tell we're not a 100% comfortable speaking in to the mic but i really enjoyed making it and a promise there'll be many more to follow.

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Take care buddy,
yours,
Little Dave

Russian man's Adventure

Dear George,

I hope this message finds you well.  Today is a Friday.  This morning my train was 3mins late.  It is 23*C outside and partly cloudy.  Britain's still using sterling (£) and on average, 1kg of carrots cost 71p. The price of a first class stamp is 46p.

I really enjoyed reading your last couple of posts.  Sounds amazing, I can’t think of anything that’s occurred me in the last few days that is that interesting.  I got a pod cast recorded last night and after posting this I’ll be editing it for your pleasure.

I’ve not had much chance to do my own travelling around of late.  Therefore I have no new stories or adventures to rival your travelling experiences but since you are in Russia I thought I’d tell you about my very own Russian experience I had a few years ago.

I had a Russian girlfriend for a while.  I guess I was her fling all the while she was in living in England.  I met her at the pub around the corner from work.  There was a large group of us and as the evening turned to night and night to early morning, the crowd dissolved until she and I were still chatting away alone.  She was tall with dark hair and very beautiful, she was (and most certainly still is) a theatre designer living in the UK to look for work but wasn’t having any joy.  I told her I’d be more than happy to show her around London and hang out with her since she was feeling very much on her own.

I’ll skip through the mushy part of us holding hands while on long stroll together and our first kiss in the butterfly sanctuary at London Zoo because shortly after that I came to notice she was fucking insane.  It began with constant mumblings about how “stupid” the English were for not celebrating Russian actors as much as English actors. Next she admitted to me that she wasn’t 27 years old, as she’d originally told me, she was in fact 30.  Not a problem at all, I was flattered if anything and she could certainly get away with it…however, the next day she told me she was actually 32.  Then that weekend, before we met up with some old housemate she’d lived with, she told me that if I was asked her age I was to say 33.  The weekend came and went and that Monday morning she finally confessed that in actually fact she was 35.

Now this wasn’t some great love affair we had.  She was leaving the country on new years day and I’d always known that which is why I think I just went along with the whole thing.  But a week before her flight we were talking about God knows what and the subject of evolution came up.  It turned out she didn’t believe in evolution.

“Evolution is a stupid idea. We could never have come from monkeys.  Why are monkeys still around if we came from them?  Man didn’t come from monkeys...well, maybe black people did”

I didn’t see her much after that night.

Take care buddy

yours

Little Dave

Back to basics

Dear George,

It has kindly been brought to my attention that while i strive to keep you abreast of current affairs i'm neglecting to keep you up to date with the more simpler things in life.  International news you can of course find anywhere, but are you aware that a fat squirrel has been digging up my garden and eating the seeds from my vegetable patch! As you know i do try to paint the world in bright colours but as you can clearly see small furry mammals are me causing chaos.

I'll begin with a quick editorial.  I received an email from a bloke in Ireland asking me who the bearded man was in the photo next to the panda.  The smug faced, hairy, man-boy in question is Kev.  A mate of ours and has been for...well...forever i think, and he looks like a bear.  I know you know this George but since other people are reading my intimate correspondance to you, i'll have to stick a bit more detail in when making private jokes.... this will enevitably make every joke twice as long and half as funny.

Today is Wednesday the 1st of June.  My train way late, again...(for any international readers, this is the general rule with trains in England).  It is 16*C outside and partly cloudy over here in London.  Britain's still using sterling (£) and on average, a loaf of bread cost £1.37. The current price of a first class stamp is 46p...which is un-fucking-believable! Is it any wonder we send emails???

The tubes are planning another strike because they are planning to get rid of jobs.  I was in Charring cross tube station, and i swear this happened, i read a notice that was up about the potential strikes.  i then walked over to the information window to enquire if the planned strikes were going ahead that weekend.  The lady inside the booth didn't even raise her head to look at me and instead just barked "read the sign over there!". i lingered there for a moment in case she remembered that i was a customer and she was the employee entrusted (also paid very well...i'd put the figures up but they'll make you cry.  All i'll say is if you have kids and one of them wants to be a train driver...LET HIM!) by London transport to provide customers with said imformation.  Needles to say she sat there silent and i walked away wondering why oh why would Transport for London come to the conclusion that they didn't need all these members of staff...

A sexy new bar maid is working at the pub round the corner from work.  Her name is Summer Strallen and she's quiet a famous performer in the west end...google her!  as i'm sure you can imagine the pub has been very busy since she started. Not because of autograph hunters, but because of all the middle-age theatre technicians in the area simplly standing at the bar drooling.  I'll stick up a picture for your enjoyment...As you see, the young lady clearly needs a second job because she can afford clothes, bless.

That'll do for now.  I hope you are well and still enjoying yourself.

Take care mate

Yours

Little Dave