Saturday, 18 August 2012

Whale Adoption Adventure


Dear George,

As you know I like to read left wing magazines...i like the way they delude me into thinking I live in a world that cares. About 5 years ago I came across an advert inviting me to adopt a whale...why not I thought. So sent off my £20 and in return I got an adoption certificate, a picture of my new whale, Ramesses and a warm glow of smugness. Then 3 month later I got a massive letter with very large writing, it said...

Dear Dad,
how's it going man? Sorry I haven't written, thank you for the £20, however, i've now run out of plankton. Another two grand should tide me over. Ta ever so much
Ramesses

Then 2 months after than I received another letter...

Dear Dad,
thanks awfully for the £2000, I have invested it wisely. I now have a career in public relations.
Love always
Ramesses 

Things seemed to be going well, but the next letter brought a surprise...

You bastard!
You're not my real dad. You think you own me but you don't and you never will. I hate you, I hate you.
p.s. I'm washed up on an Alaskan beach, please come and roll me back into the sea.

And after I rolled him back into the water, he looked up at me with his big eyes and said:
'Dad, I want to go home', and he's been here ever since. He plays his whale music really loud, he eats all the krill in my fridge and he will insist on watching T4 every morning but you know what? At my age, it's just nice to have the company.

The weather here is an unbelievable 32*C, my train was 2mins late and a first class stamp will cost you 60 pence.

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Saturday, 11 August 2012

The great train Adventure


Dear George

Like most of the British public I feel that our trains are over crowded, under funded, over priced, dirty and slow. We all moan of course and dear God don’t we all moan but alas we don’t do anything about it and have reached a point where we don’t expect anything will ever be done about it… it’s that British thing we do. It maddening me to see train companies raising the price of a ticket while it’s the government who has to pay for the actual infrastructure of the railway system… I thought privatisation was supposed to make things better!

We seem to have a system in place in which the Government has to look after all the expensive parts of running the trains, like track maintenance, using our tax money. While the train companies get to stuff their pockets with all the money they make from selling advertising space, selling over priced sandwiches and charging people twice the normal fare for not booking three weeks in advance… here’s an excellent example... I had a freelance gig in Durham. It was all very last minute, the job was for the next morning. If I’d bought a ticket on the day, it was going to cost me around £140! By booking on line a mere 14hours before I needed to leave saved me half that amount… Honestly, can you believe it? A three-figure sum just for having the audacity to want to buy a ticket on the day I wanted to travel!

You may be asking why i've chosen to rant so passionately about the state of be-railed transportation in Britain. I can hear your confused and astonished voices now, asking:
'Where have you been, Dave? You must have so many adventures to talk about. When's the next podcast and why is Zoe so much better than you on them?'
All valid question, I grant you. However, I have chosen this moment to release my frustration about train travel because I had recently read an article in the newspaper about train company 'southwestern' were going to go on strike unless they get a bonus for working during the Olympic games. This tipped me over the edge. The bonus, they feel, will compensate for the 'stress' they will incur during the games. The 'stress' of driving a train? It's not like they're pushing the blooming thing! If they are worried about the stress of driving a train that's packed full of people, who are crammed into every available nook and cranny, with no chance of a seat, despite paying astronomical ticket prices … you would think the train drivers would be use to working in those conditions by now!

Back in the olden days, the railways were nationalised; they belonged to us, just like the water companies, gas companies and America. British Rail, as it was known then, was subsidised by the government by around £1.5billion. That's tax payers money helping out the running of public transport. Today, now the railways are owned by private companies, in order to keep the railway network working the government has to shell out £4 billion of public money! That's 35% more than any other nation, and this is despite a growth in UK rail traffic of 57%. Since 1994 when private companies took control of the trains, they have received 57% more business from the public while taking an extra £2.5 billion of public money. AND let's no forget that we, as a nation, pay 30% higher fares than anywhere in Europe.

The McNulty report has recently been published, it's a report on the state of the railways in this country (it is also where I have found most of my stats.). One of the suggestion made in the report is that in order to make railways more efficient, rail companies should cut 30% of off peak trains. To put it another way, companies should cut 100% of the trains for those people who use those particular trains, namely the people who don't do use peak time trains … people like me! The report also questions the extent of regional rail networks. Sir Roy McNulty concludes that THIS is what's causing the massive inefficiency to the rail companies; the thoughtless members of the public who are paying twice; in tickets and in subsidises, wanting, nay expecting, trains to take them places. McNulty's solution seems to be; The way to prevent trains from being late is to stop running them altogether.

It's a glorious 23*C outside, my train was 2mins late this morning, and a first class stamp will coast you 60p


We have a brand spanking new email address, so why send us your own adventures: chinamansadventure@rocketmail.com

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Old Age Adventure

Dear George,


Today I became fascinated by looking at all the really old people and trying to imagine what they looked like when they were young.  I found it totally impossible, like old people are a different species to everyone else.  I couldn't even picture them as people in their forties, when they'd be full of comparative youth and vigour.  I could not even guess how their faces would have looked then.  I find it hard enough to recognise myself in the mirror sometimes and I've had time to get used to the cruel sculptor's chisel of age, although to be fair it's more like the sculptor has tried to stick some extra bits of clay on, and sanded down the top of my head to a shiny polished finish.  The more I thought about it I realised that we're all statues, once we were perfect marble creations but over time we become the statues that have stayed out too long in the park that have no one to tend to us and we're corroded and coated in bird shit, that morphs us into unrecognisable grey mockeries of ourselves.
I find it hard to imagine a time when I'll be 70 or 80 and I wonder if the people who waddle slowly around Sainsburys' on a tuesday morning gave it much thought either.  It's odd because I can just about look at young people and imagine them old, but just like the ageing process itself, I can't reverse it and iron out the wrinkles to turn the old young again.  To think that that old chap in the cardigan walking painfully slow down the milk and margarine isle was once a jack the lad who didn't give a monkeys about old people.
Why God, why do you make things so?  How could an eternal, unchanging and unageing being even think up such an idea? Why curse us in a way that you could never be cursed?  How did it even cross your mind to be so cruel?  You have a twisted sense of humour, oh Lord.  Can perfection create such imperfection?  Damn you God for making me this way!  Why!?  Why can't we live forever?
The weather here is a pleasant 17*C, there is a chance it'll rain tomorrow.  My train ran on time, although there was no where to sit!  A first class stamp costs 60p
Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

The winner of last weeks competition!

Dear George,

I would like to thank all the participants from last weeks competition. What a response! The postman is suing me for compensation because of all the sports massages he had to have due to lugging around such huge heavy sacks of CMA address competition entries. However, after days of sifting through the mounds of letters, surfing through the endless pages of countless emails i found a winner.

The winning entry for the 'define sarcasm' competitions is .... the 1st paragraph of this blog post!

Congratulations me!

That's right, on one entered. Alas, alas. Still i can tell that recently we've had new listeners to the podcast, and new viewers of this blog so to you i say, WELCOME, come in and sit down. Make yourself at home.

For you regular readers i can only apologise for the lack of content in recent weeks/months.  So much has been going on and i've made a start on several letters to George but sadly i've never polished them up to put on display...so watch this space, people.  i've counted 14 (yes, 14!) unfinished blog entries that are waiting for the final nip and tuck before gracing this sight for your viewing pleasure...

in the meantime i'd like to inform you all that the weather here in London has been wonderful, it has made an already special Olympics, for us Brits, truly glorious (at the moment of typing team GB has won 48 medals!). The trains have been running on time! Is it because of the Olympics? or rather as i suspect the train bosses have heard we're going to be doing a Podcast exclusively on train. As for stamps, well over here in Blighty we've got our Gold medal winners on our stamps. Brings a proud tear to my eye...especially since they are still 60p

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave