More about eels

Dear George,

Despite my denial the other week that I had anything to do with owning a pet shop or that I was an expert on the eels, I have still been inundated with letters asking for advice about pet eels.  As I have said before I am unqualified to answer these enquires.  However, in case you come across any eel specialists on your travels… or anyone reading this knows of an eel specialist, I will put up some of these letters in full.

Dear Dr L. Dave,

I read in the Daily Mail the other day that an eel can suffocate if it breathes wrong.  But what, in this context, is “wrong”?

J. Smith

           

            Dear Little Dave,

My sister says that an eel is an unsuitable creature to keep in this country as a pet because of its innate dishonesty.  I maintain that if you bring up an eel in a secure and loving environment with an atmosphere of trust, it will learn to be trustworthy.  Which of us is right?

T.J. Johnson (aged 12)

Dear Little Dr Dave,

My eel is afraid of wireless Internet connections.  He whimpers every time he goes near my BT home hub.  What could be causing this poor deluded creature to behave this way? Is name is Franklin, if it is any relevance.  Actually his name is Mark, but he is embarrassed about it and prefers to be called Franklin… I don’t know why.  I named him after the former Leeds united and Newcastle centre forward Mark Viduka.

P.G. Thomas (Mr)

Dear Dr Dave (Little),

My eel called Elisabeth has the irritating habit of humming quietly to herself.  When I tell her to stop she says she wasn’t aware she was doing it and then, after a short pause, continues.  I’m sure she only does it because she knows it infuriates me so much.  Are eels spiteful?

S. Walker (BA Hons) 

Episode 6

Dear George,

Sorry it's been a while coming but for your listening pleasure here's Chinaman's Adventure episode 6...

   

   
   
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A Dirty Dancing Adventure part 1

Dear George,

I must apologise for my absence.  As you may remember from my last letter, Dirty Dancing has said farewell to the Aldwych theatre and with its departure has come a few weeks of tearing down scenery, de-rigging lights and pulling apart set.  I have had one single day off since this all began... the weather has been unknown to me as i have been toiling underground, living in the dark like some kind of Morlock.  this mornings train was 4mins late but on the whole the trains i've been catching for the last few days have been on time... this may be down to the early starts i have had to make.  There is very little going on at that time in the morning to effect the running of public transport...or it could be that i was still asleep and i just didn't notice.  One thing i can confirm is that since Dirty Dancing took leave of the West End, first class stamps have remained at 46p.

If i'm honest, i was not Dirty Dancing's biggest fan but for me the whole experience means many things for me...most of which i have shared with you George but for the purpose of all the tens of people who read this, i'll share it all with you again.  So here are a few novel bits of Dirty Dancing trivia from my point of view...

I began life on the show April 2007

My title was Assistant Production Technician when i started and now i'm Deputy Chief Electrician

I left Dirty Dancing in 2008 to work in America and vowed never to work on the show ever again... 5 months later i was asked if i minded filling in for THREE MONTHS... it's been THREE YEARS!

There were 1991 performances of Dirty Dancing with an average of 800 people coming to see the show each performance which works out a total of over ONE AND A HALF MILLION people who came to watch the show (i'm underestimating those figures i'm sure, but it's still a scary thought).

Dispite what i might say, i had a great time working on the show, you have to understand that i saw that bloody show nearly every night for 4 years so i'm going to be biased and not always say the nicest things about it... but because of dirty dancing i made a shit load of great mates, saw a lot of naked girls, earned enough money to go on some nice holidays, saw a lot of naked girls, got to go to loads of trendy clubs in London, saw a lot of naked girls...and...erm... i got to see a lot of mind blowingly beautiful, naked girls!

I think i'll wrap it up here for now.  I'm still up to my eye balls in work getting the specter of Dirty Dancing out of this here theatre...but i'll be back to tell you more about all the fun things that i've been up to... mainly thinking of all the naked girls i won't be seeing anymore...alas, alas...

Take care buddy
Yours
Little Dave

A real Chiaman's Adventure

Dear George,

I have just finished reading your latest blog entry and i'm excited that you and Noodles will actually be in China amongst all those Chinamen.  Korea sounded just amazing, once again i have found myself longing to be out there with you.  Jealous doesn't come close to how i feel sometimes when i read about your travels.  I think the worst part is knowing if you'd asked me i'd have had to say 'no', and now i feel like it's too late for me to do any traveling myself.  Alas, alas...

Anyway... i writing to tell you that there has been no increase in the price of a first class stamp since my last blog entry today (46p).  And also to tell you that Dirty Dancing leaves the Aldwych theatre tomorrow night and i will inevitably have less time to write for a week or two.  So i'll sign off this evening with some big headlines in the UK right now:

*The news paper 'News of the World' has stopped.  There was some crazy phone hacking scandal which caused the owner Rupert Murdock to close it down.

*South Sudan becomes the world's newest nation. it got its independance today.

*British Gas are going to put up the price of gas bills.

*Homes, businesses and cars are hit by flooding after a heavy downpour across Edinburgh.

*And in breaking news... "Pat" from Eastenders is quitting after working on the show for a quarter of a century!!!

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

Two girls and a guy

Dear George,

Last night was the end of show party for Dirty Dancing so i'm slightly hanging today. It was a really good party with a free bar and the results were messy.  I didn't get home until the wee hours of the night and promptly feel to sleep.

I woke, desperate for tea.  After pottering around the house for a few hours, slowly building momentum for the day ahead, packed my bag and headed for the door... It wouldn't open.  It was locked. One of the girls i live with had locked me in the house.  How am i suppose to check the price of stamps now!?  I'd love to tell you a story about how i struggled to break free from my domestic prison.  Digging tunnels using only a tea-spoon, scaling walls with a grappling hook carved from a bed post or systematically folding every bone in my body so i could climb out through the letter box.  No, i simply used my key to let myself out, then proceeded to text the my half insane, half crazy house mate questioning her motives in holding me captive.

This is all around about way of talking about me and my house mates.  As you may know i live with two girls, i say girls they are actually two lovely ladies...i feel i can get away with saying nice things about them because i know they'll never read this... Oh yes i can tell what you're thinking.  The pillow fights, the strolling around in the all together and the constant kissing competitions i'm forced to judge...well i'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that of course this doesn't happen, never happens and will not happen.  I will say though, i do get an eye full of their underwear drying on the radiators.  It's rather annoyingly always drying on a clothes horse one passes on the way to the loo.  The reason i say "annoyingly" is because the drying under garments sits in front of a book shelf i store my comics on.  Every time i reach for a comic, i'm forced to gingerly snake my arm thru this forest of knicker elastic.  It is like playing a game of 'Operation' but instead of the patient's nose going red and buzzing, i worry one of my housemates will open her door and catch me in what will look like some pervert stealthily stealing her brassieres.

Apart from that, they are nothing but a joy to live with.  Sure I have to time midnight trips to the loo and midmorning showers so as to not bump in to them while they're in the buff, but as yet we've had no awkward encounters involving unlocked shower doors, towels falling off at the wrong moment or being caught masturbating on the sofa. It may not be the way i imagined it would be when i was a young teenaged boy but i think it's better.

I'll sign off for now, i'd best get back to wishing i had not drank so much and vowing never to do so again.  The weather is a plesent 16*C when it isn't raining...

Take care buddy,

Yours,

Little Dave

Things that go bump in the night

Dear George,

I've loved reading your last couple of blog entries and i'm glad you're enjoying the Podcasts.  Sadly my co-host is away on holiday so i'll be getting in a guessed host this week...if i can find someone who'll work for tea and biscuits...  It's still very warm over here, 19*C with clear skies.  My train has been on time everyday this week so far and a first class stamp is 46p.

The other night I fell down the stairs on my way back from visiting the little boys’ room in the middle of the night.  It was most embarrassing.  I don’t know if you remember the lay out of my place,  at the top of the stairs one would turn left to enter directly into my bedroom and if one is to turns to the right, there are a couple more steps to the landing, other bedrooms and the bathroom.

So it was that somewhere in the early hours of the morning I came bounding out of the loo heading for the bedroom and my cosy bed…that was of course until I missed the first step.  I suppose it was more of a slip because i kind of fell backward and i threw out my arms to a grab at some imaginary support beam in front of me.  With my arms flailing in front of me i realised that i was about to crash head first into my new full length mirror... i'd only just hung on the wall!!! In that moment i came to the conclusion that picking shattered glass from my skull was not how i wanted to spend the rest of my night, so with as much effort i could manage i swung away from the mirror... Now my back was facing the stairs and i could see myself in the mirror.  I still hadn't caught my balance and got to watch myself fall backwards.  I grasped at the banister to stop myself plummeting and after three attempts i finally managed to stop myself from reaching the bottom of the stairs.

There i lay, on my back half way down the stairs in y superman boxer shorts.  Some how i'd pulled a bed sheet that was drying on the banister on top of me.  My legs and arms started to hurt a little bit, i'd managed not to hit my head and i was pretty sure i hadn't broken anything.  I let out a little chuckle to myself, thanked God no one was in the house to see me and climbed back up the stairs and crawled into bed...  I guess it was lucky i wasn't hurt because no one else was in that night and i could well have been lying there until Monday evening before anybody came home but i can laugh about it now...especially when i remember the look on my face as i fell backwards...i looked a mixture of confused and helpless.  Now i am not to be left on my own and a good thing too... i'm going to a party tonight, who knows what mischief i'll get into when i return home in the dead of night...

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

An apology

Dear George,

I hope you had a pleasant weekend.  With the show Dirty Dancing leaving the theatre i work in things are slowly becoming more and more hectic.  it's all 12 hour day this week, then as of this coming Sunday it becomes 12 days as a minimum and no days off until the stench of that show has been wiped from the building.  Therefore if anyone reading remembers my laughing, joyful voice describing how much fun it will be to have time off to see all my nearest and dearest... it's probably not going to happen.  However when i do brake free from my Aldwych theatre shackles i'll do my very best see everyone i can...if only to have something to write about here.

It is 20*C outside and fair.  I'm nearing the end of watching season 3 of the big bang theory.  I've a ton of house work to get through and a first class stamp is 46p... Also i have an editorial...

Owing to a misprint in last week’s blog entry, the impression may have been given that I am the owner of a pet shop in Coventry.  Furthermore, many people may have been misled into believing that I am an expert on the ailments of eels.

I would like to publicly state that I have no connections with a pet shop in Coventry and, while I do have a commonsense knowledge of ell illness, due to my modesty I’d never call myself an expert.  Therefore if you have any enquiries concerning eels please contact the UK Eel Society, Slytherin House, Ealing, London W3.

Many thanks

Little Dave

Episode 5

Dear George,

Sorry it's a day late my friend.  I shouldn't have spent so much time in the post office asking about first class stamps...(they cost 46p).  The weather is a glorious 21*C, although there is talk of rain.

In this week's Podcast our heroes pull questions from my newly purchased Chinaman's hat.  will this new idea be a success?  Only you the listener can tell us...

Take care buddy,
Yours,
Little Dave

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Podcast 5 on it's way

Dear George,

I hope you are well.  the weather here is just lovely, 19*C and clear skies.  There's been a wee bit of thunder and lightning this week but altogether very pleasant...especially as first class stamps are only 46p.

I'm sorry to say that episode 5 of 'Chinaman's Adventure' will be late.  I'm frantically trying to upload this weeks Podcast as i type but, alas, time is against me.  So watch this space mate.  It'll be here tomorrow, i'm 99% sure of it.

Take care buddy,
yours,
Little Dave